How to deal with break-ups

How to deal with break-ups

Falling in love is an unexplainable and beautiful feeling; in this time everything you see looks bright and vivid in colors, everything you can feel about your partner makes you feel amazing, the assurance you get from the relation makes you achieve success higher than your ability, the warmth of the relation provides a wonderful bliss, each moment of togetherness brings in unsaid happiness, it is a time when you are on cloud nine and nothing can stop you from being happy.

But all of a sudden you wake upto the reality that things are not the same anymore when your partner dumps you either because of a decision in spurt, a long strenuous relation, influence from external factors or anything else. But now you suddenly realize that things are not the same anymore: you feel the days are longer, nights are even longer, even the most appealing thing in your life before the relation does not interest you anymore and life looks hollow and deprived of happiness. You become extremely sad, not interested in anything anymore, life seems a curse and even to the point feeling suicidal.

At this point of time when you seek advice (voluntary in cases) from your other near and dear, you are out of every 100 times 85 times advised, either to just keep your cool, not to be emotional, it is destiny, he/she does not deserve you, forget what happened in the past (past is past), think about your future or anything similar to these soothing, comforting or sympathetic words.

I completely agree that it is not that easy as the rendered advice, but does it mean you need to stop living? Kill yourself? Or live life without any interest? The answer is a “NO”. In the first point analyze whether you could have done some wrong from your end in the relation (just don’t blame everything on your partner, although she/he might be unrealistic in the break-up), if yes then just make a list of what you could have avoided, this will not help you understand the problem or reason of break-up but also will help you evolve as a better person. Secondly see whether any of these points from introspection are reversible from your end and also think whether you can still do something to save the relation, if yes then stop reading and do that first. It is always better to save the relation if it can be saved as the sweet memories and moments of togetherness (for example a romantic dinner on the beach on a full moon day) from the past are strong and capable to get over the present situation and lessons from the present will help you avoid mistakes in future. After all if you really love a person deeply, the love itself gives you the strength to pardon mistakes.

If the break-up is irreversible then you must understand you are not only person going through a break-up in this whole world (if you are reading this blog trust me you are not alone) many had and many are. It is painful, yes no doubt about that, it is even agonizing more if you are breaking up after having kids between both of you. Now life gives you two options:

    1. You stop your life there and spend rest of the time cursing yourself and your partner every moment and do not progress any further, loose the existing scope of life in past memories, get into a retribution mode or get addicted to alcohol/drugs and spoil your life even further.

2. Accept the reality and move ahead in life

Nobody in practical would want to take option one. But it is also not that easy to come back to a business as usual state (option 2), at the same time it is also not impossible, all it takes is an extra effort from your end and a focus on yourself. 

Mentioned below are some options which you can try as per your personality:

> Start practicing Yoga/Meditation, both of them help you get your concentration and self control back to normalcy and also helps them foster over a period of time.

> Start a new hobby (make sure the hobby you select keeps you busy and is on a regular basis unlike collecting stamps or other similar part time hobbies). For example learning a new cuisine from the internet, involving yourself in a charity organization, learning a new game, etc. This gives a feeling of self-content and accomplishment.

> Enroll yourself into a new course which directly helps your career. This would help you keeping yourself busy, provides an avenue for meeting new people and will directly contribute to your career success.

> Try hooking back to your old buddies whom you lost or are in an infrequent contact. This will help you rolling your memory back to pre-relation state and also provides a mode of connection back into social world.

> Start going to gym or increase your time you spend at gym. This helps you spend the additional calories and ensures a timely good night sleep for a bright morning.

> Start pampering yourself by buying the things you wanted but could not because of the financial implications of a relation. This gives you some sense of joy and also contributes to your ability to continue your work (sustained source of income) to pamper yourself further.

All the above suggested are just examples you could find alternate ways to keep yourself busy. The keyword is just not keeping yourself busy mechanically but is to keep yourself happily busy.

Never do any of the following:

o Resorting yourself to drugs or excessive alcohol

o Target your (ex) partner (socially). By doing this you are not actually degrading her/him but also de-grading yourself as you have been associated with her/him thus long.

o Act in anger or to try to seek revenge on your (ex) partner. By doing this you are wasting your time and resources which could be used for (re)constructing yourself.

o Disclose old secrets or classified information about your (ex) partner. This will not only affect her/him but also will affect your credibility as a person.

o Express your feelings with everybody/strangers (except with your near and dear). This primarily because of two reasons you will feel like you have lost you self-esteem and secondly people unaware of what has happened till time will get inquisitive and ask you to narrate the past which will again take you into area of pain.

o If you have kids never tell them that the reason for break-up was you (ex) partner (although it might be true). Just convey to them it did not work out together but as individuals both of you are fine. This is in the best of interest of kids, so that they do not develop patterns of hatred which might affect them socially in the future.

o Apply for a divorce immediately. Because if you are legally married by moving this step you will only aggravate the chances of ruining the relation before giving it a last try of salvage.

o Jumping into another relation immediately. Usually this is a result of sub-conscious mind to show your ex that world does not end with her/him. Rather be careful in choosing your partner for the new relation.

o Talk about your ex with your new partner.

By avoiding the above said you will still have the doors open if your partner wants to come back to you in the future. And even if it does not happen you will still have the self-satisfaction of being prudent.

To end, a final advice is to try recouping the relation if it is still possible with some adjustments if required rather than breaking-up (especially true if you have kids). Try discussing (not argue, ask your partner to be rational during the discussion) with your partner (one-on-one) what actually has been hurting her/him and check whether it was accidental or without your knowledge, also discuss and convey what has been hurting you and check the reasons for the same from her/him. See what is the alignment required from both the ends. If the discussions fail between both of you owing to any reasons, just do not let the relation die, try private mediation (through family members or friends) between both of you, but be careful not to involve too many people as this will worsen the situation and see whether the problem can be resolved by fine-tuning from both of your ends. The last resort would professional counseling or legal counseling as you never know, there are chances and evidences of restoring the relation at this stage as well (although I do not have the supporting data).

“Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.” – William James

Courtesy of pictures: various websites